The Wade Word

Hello everyone! Once again it’s that time of year, yes- the State of the Union. If you’re tuning in to hear my critique of President Obama and his speech, sadly you won’t get it. You see, I didn’t really watch the speech. And now the thing has been picked to death by pundits- it sorta’ takes the fun out of it. I’m not sure how I missed it; I think I may have been watching Wild Things with Dominic Monaghan or something.

However, as your sarcastic Lord and Emperor, I feel I owe you guys something in its place. I mean, just because I missed a fantastical show of bravado, doesn’t mean I can’t present my own. So without further adieu, my State of the Union!

Just within the last few days, there has been one hell of a news cycle. Why don’t we begin with the economy, specifically Monopoly. What the hell man! Why a cat? I don’t understand! Personally, I think the piece should be an inanimate object. The dog never made much sense to me considering. But no, you had to put it up to public vote; online no less. So, what a shock that a bunch of internet trolls voted for a goddamn cat!

I guess you could argue that because there is a dog, there should be a cat. Then the thimble would want a needle and the hat would have to be accompanied by a scarf. And don’t tell me that boot isn’t gonna’ want its mate around. It just gets confusing from there. Besides, I thought everyone played Angry Birds now anyway.

Moving on to the more important and considerably more serious matters- lets talk about our use of drones. Personally, I don’t see what all the uproar is about. Let me put it in perspective for all of you who might oppose our drone program both here and abroad. When it comes to hunting so called terrorist- the use of drones inevitably saves American soldiers from being maimed or killed. Simple as that. Unfortunately, the fact that civilians most certainly die from drone attacks is really a moot point to make in all this.

Whenever two sides start trying to shoot and blow each other up, there are going to be innocent casualties. This is the nature of war. It has always been the case since the first monkey started bashing things with a bone. That being said- reducing the losses to innocents and our people alike is the main objective. Drones, allow for that even when you account for innocent life lost due to them.

You’ve got to understand that we are not just dealing with the “American border”. This misconception that if we just worry about protecting ourselves- getting out of other regions etc… some fanatical lunatics are going to magically stop trying to destroy our country is dangerous, at best. We need a presence in some of these more troubling regions and drones are a perfect way to do so. Why waste American lives when a flying machine piloted from 500 miles out, can eliminate real potential threats to us and our allies? Not to mention the fact that killing a “would be” suicide bomber before he blows himself up in front of an embassy, obviously saves the lives of the civilians in that more populated area. It’s kind of a no brainer.

As for using a drone to kill American citizens who renounce us, move to wherever and start a campaign to kill possibly my daughter or my wife- my friends… FUCK EM!

Perhaps this is my less diplomatic “emperor” side but seriously. Fuck you guys. I understand you’ve got a beef with the actions this country takes from time to time. We all do- but why don’t you mother fuckers work to improve things? Waging “Jihad” against us is accomplishing nothing accept more death and despair for the people you claim to be sticking up for. Much of which is caused by all you militant, shithead religious freaks.

You know, I can understand how a farmer in Afghanistan, who barely eeks by, surrounded by corruption and death, converts to radical Islam and thinks killing us is the only way to do anything about it. What I will never understand is how you, born here, growing up like everybody else and given the same knowledge about this country and its rights- (be it completely true or not) can throw it all away and in turn advocate for the death of people who used to be your classmates, your neighbors, and your friends. You make me sick! I hope a drone finds you and puts a missile up your ass.

As for using drones in the homeland- eh, whatever. Just don’t give them missiles. Police helicopters have pretty much the same capabilities anyway. I don’t plan on robbing a bank or shooting up a school, and if they want to watch me sit on my couch- fine.

(Read in the tone of Obama) Speaking of shooting up schools… Ted, Ted Nugent- where’s Ted? Ah, there’s the Motor City Madman! Ted, I just want to remind you… that had the American public not fallen, for your guitar styling’s, and seemingly inability, to write the ending to a song… you would be one of these, despot lunatics, that ahhh… would kidnap someone and hold them in a bunker… until Federal Agents shot your ass dead. Thanks for coming!

Now back to another serious issue. The LAPD. I’m sure everyone has heard about the plight of Christopher Dorner and the manhunt that resulted. Let me just say that while I do not agree with the apparent tactics used by Dorner, I do believe him.

It’s pretty obvious. Of course, there is still racial bias in the LAPD. Of course, there is corruption and political motivation at work. Even though I believe the LAPD has been trying to improve their image in last decade- we all know the kinds of malicious activities they have been capable of. Christopher Dorner knew that too and now he’s probably dead. So too are the victims, and all would be alive if the LAPD had not been what they are.

Beyond the LAPD, this tragedy speaks to a deeper issue in this country. How many of our men and women, who serve in our military, are going to be hung out to dry when they get back? These people put their lives at risk daily, for a cause that may not be their own. They endure more stress in a day than your fat asses will in a lifetime- and for what?

So they can return here, disfigured, traumatized, unable to find employment and even scorned by many citizens they thought they were protecting? Christopher Dorner got a job that he thought he could retire with. He was a self sacrificing man who swore to protect and serve the public for the rest of his career. Then he spoke out against injustice and lost everything- including his fucking mind. The whole thing is sad and pathetic because it didn’t have to be that way.

Shame on the LAPD, shame on our government for not taking adequate care of our veterans and shame on us for allowing it to happen.

While I’ve got you, possibly in a self reflective mood- let’s talk about something hot and greasy. A man died of a massive heart attack the other day. Seems there is some controversy because he apparently ate at the Heart Attack Grill every day and was even a sort of unofficial spokesman for them. They even made a clothing line around the guy.

While I think of it more as poetic justice, many think the Heart Attack Grill is to blame and should be shut down. Really? This guy would waltz in there every day and eat a 10,000 calorie burger. He probably packed in an order of “Flat Line Fries” and a Coke. Why the fuck wouldn’t you think you’d die of a massive coronary?!

You can point your finger at the Heart Attack Grill all you want- the fact of the matter is, you the individual is responsible for what you stuff in your face! Own the fact that you are the most overweight nation on the planet. Accept the responsibility for the diabetes epidemic that plagues this country!

Nutritional science is pretty up to par right now. The facts are out there. We know what cholesterol is- we know what causes heart attacks and we damn well know what a healthy meal consists of! If you’re too stupid to know that eating 100,000 calories worth of crap in a week is a bit excessive, then sayo-fuckin’-nara!

In the spirit of Darwin let’s move to the last topic- cruise ships. Ai ya! I mean they sound like a good idea at first. At least they did up until around the time the Titanic sank! I mean come the fuck on! Look, the simple logistics of it, if there are more people; you’re going to have more problems. A floating city, cut off from any sort of supply or maintenance is a disaster waiting to happen!

And it has happened, over and over and over! Why anyone would take a cruise is beyond me! However, people do and then act surprised when they get a food born illness or all hell breaks loose! Negligent captains, party animals for the crew- undertrained and ill prepared. I personally hope this latest incident with the Carnival Triumph will spark a massive investigation into ALL cruise liners. It’s getting ridiculous!

These issues are putting human life at risk and considering the Costa Concordia, killing people. As far as I’m concerned, Carnival is responsible for human rights violations at the very least. I’ll even add endangerment of children, terrorism and gross negligence. And I swear to God, if any member of my family ever goes through what these people have endured, I’ll personally make it my job to take your company down!

I hope the families of the Triumph are already working to do so.

In conclusion, we as a nation have endured a lot in the last year, and will continue to face challenges ahead. Our path will not always be clear and even uphill- but if we focus on what is truly important; looking at the big picture and practicing some humility- we will survive. For those of us who believe in the extremes of liberalism or conservatives- remember, America is just a cog in the machine that is planet Earth. The components of that machine must be balanced otherwise nothing works. Once you realize that the majority of problems facing Earth are due to these social, religious and political imbalances- we might actually get somewhere as a species.